The gal described in Proverbs 31 has gotten a bad rap.

In my experience, women tend to either idolize her, or resent her. (And sometimes both at once.) I think many people tend to view her as an overachieving, impossible-to-match do-gooder. When one church lady outdoes the rest of the church ladies by baking a particularly fabulous cake or performing an unbelievably amazing act of domesticity, someone might say to her, “Well, aren’t you just a Proverbs 31 Woman! I could never do that.”

On the other hand, some women stylize themselves as a modern-day version of her. They have books and websites with a Proverbs 31 theme, full of lots of soft colors, flowers, and scripty, sappy text. They have slogans like “faith, family, frugality” and center around themes of homeschooling, homesteading, being submissive, and sewing things. From there, it’s a slippery slope to being a full-fledged member of the quiverfull movement. (I mean, seriously. Go do a google images search on ‘Proverbs 31′. I’ll wait while you go barf because of all of the flowers and the pink.)

While I’ve sat through at least one three-part series and several one-off sermons on Biblical manhood, I’ve never heard a sermon on Proverbs 31, let alone an entire series. (I can’t find any by Alistair Begg or Mark Driscoll. John Piper has one sermon on one verse of the chapter, and it was given in 1981.)

Growing Up Proverbs 31

When I was 12, I went to Pioneer Club every Wednesday night. It was our Christian version of Girl Scouts. We made crafts, learned how to use a sewing machine, went on field trips to places like the fire station and the food bank, and held a yearly Mothers’ Day tea. It was pretty adorable, and I learned a lot, and some of my dearest and longest-lasting friendships–which persist to this day–began right there. I’m really thankful for the church women who ran that group and came up with stuff for us to do each week.

At the end of every meeting, we would join hands in a circle and sing Take My Life and Let It Be. Then we would recite Proverbs 31:30 — “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” I think we all felt a little dorky when we did it, but it was what you did at the end of Pioneer Club. I guess it was a cute little ritual designed to remind us that our lives were meant to be spent in service to God and others, not just ourselves.

I remember I didn’t have any idea what charm meant in the context of that verse. I had a charm bracelet. In my 12-year-old brain, I surmised that maybe the verse meant you shouldn’t wear jewelry. Or at least maybe you shouldn’t like it more than you like God. That sounded reasonable.

Hello, my name is “Different”

It’s hard to be a woman in the (conservative evangelical) church when you’re in your late twenties and instead of being married and maybe even having kids, you’re single and/or you have a career. I’m told that some churches are better than others at dealing with people like me, but most of those churches are located in happening places like Seattle, Nashville, and New York, not Grand Rapids (Reformed capital of the entire world). Here, it’s normal to get your “Mrs.” along with your A.A. or B.A. and then you start having kids a few years later. I didn’t do that, so I think sometimes people have difficulty knowing what to do with me or how to relate to me. Can’t invite me to dinner, because that’s weird, who invites a single person to dinner with a bunch of couples? Can’t invite me and a single guy to dinner, because then it looks like you’re trying to fix us up and it’s super awkward for everyone. Bible studies are awkward, too. The curriculum and conversation centers around topics of marriage, family, and home…how to honor God with your career isn’t covered all that often.

So on and off, throughout college and the genesis of my career, I’ve grappled with what it means to be a talented, decisive, strong-willed, single, Christian woman with a flourishing career. Growing up as a Christian girl doesn’t really prepare you for that. When I was young, I knew a few women who “worked,” but I was glad my mom didn’t have to. I was exposed to very few women who professed to find enjoyment or value in what they did at their job. When a woman worked, the attitude was generally that it was generally a thing they did to help make ends meet. Motherhood and marriage are where it’s at — they’re celebrated as noble, wonderful things for women to devote themselves to. That’s because they are. And it’s important for the church to equip and encourage wives and mothers. But when these are the only facets of womanhood that are talked about and ministered to, it’s like there must be something wrong with me. I’m broken. God forgot an important element when he was planning my life.

Will the Real Proverbs 31 Woman Please Stand Up

I’m not broken. God made me driven and talented. In spite of my best efforts at evading gainful employment (I mean really, who majors in Classics and expects to get a job??) He put me in a challenging career at a busy, successful software development company. I work with large companies to design products with budgets in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. I spend 40+ hours each week creating value. Technology changes lives.

Over the past few months, in the process of sorting out what it means to be a woman, God’s woman, operating in the world of business, I’ve become reacquainted with the gal from Proverbs 31. I had been avoiding her, because of all the pink and the flowers and the homemakery, midwifery things. She had such a reputation for being a domestic, submissive homemaker goddess, I figured we must have nothing in common. It turns out I was entirely wrong. (That’s what happens when you read too many books *about* the Bible, rather than reading it for yourself.)

Here’s what Ms. Proverbs 31 is like:

* She is creative (13, 22, 24)
* She is hardworking (13, 15, 19, 27)
* She is entrepreneurial (16, 18, 24)
* She plays a huge role in providing for her household and managing its resources (14, 16, 21)
* She is strong in mind and confident about the future (17, 25)
* Her body is strong, she uses it to accomplish things, and she takes good care of it (17)
* She is compassionate and philanthropic (20)
* She makes her home beautiful (22)
* She makes herself beautiful (22)
* She is wise, kind, and respected (26, 28, 29, 31)
* She and her husband have a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. (11-12, 29)
* She fears the Lord (30)
* And probably some other stuff I’ve passed over.

She’s a pretty cool lady. She’s multi-talented and multi-dimensional, operating in the realms of home and business and community. Frankly, she sounds more like contemporary ideas of liberated women “having it all” than the faux-50′s era happy housewife nostalgia that I had previously associated with her. The woman described in Proverbs 31 isn’t a fragile flower, she’s a force of nature!

And that’s probably why sometimes, she is resented instead of celebrated. Just the thought of measuring up to her is exhausting (and potentially discouraging). Here’s where I think it’s important to remember that she’s not a real person, she’s a literary figure, meant to represent something bigger and grander: Proverbs 31 is a beautiful portrait of what it means to be a woman in God’s kingdom. Sometimes we mistakenly conflate it with contemporary society’s mandate that women can (and should) do it all and have it all (all at once). But I would argue that it’s a descriptive passage, not a prescriptive one. It’s not saying, “Here are ALL OF THE THINGS you MUST do to be a real woman. If you don’t, you fail. And you must do them all at once.”

I think the passage is saying, “Here are the things that a real woman does. Be like this in your life.” We can’t be perfect. God knows that. We can’t do it all, but it should be our goal to do more and more every day as we live in the different seasons of our lives and grow closer to Christ.

The Point of it All

With this passage in my mind, I look at all of the women around me–women at church, my co-workers, my dear friends, my Mom–and I am filled with love for them because we are all Proverbs 31 women. We exhibit different Proverbs 31 qualities in different proportions, because we are at different places in life and each of us has different gifts. But we have Proverbs 31 in common. Proverbs 31 doesn’t value one attribute over another. It’s not a ranking system of womanly success. Commerce, mothering, creativity, and homemaking are all important and honorable pursuits. It’s a declaration of who we are meant to be.

So I think what I want to say is that Proverbs 31 is NOT meant to make us fixate on the things that make us different, and all of the ways we fall short, or aren’t as good as our friends. It’s a reminder to celebrate how as women, we are all called and gifted in many different ways. It’s a call to value the different stages of life that we find ourselves in. And to continually encourage one another to grow in grace and understanding and breadth of experience.

I am Brittany. I have a career that I love, a vegetable garden, a loving family, an assertive streak, and a small zoo of animals. I am a Proverbs 31 woman. You are too. (Unless you’re a dude. And in that case, I don’t know why you read this far. But I’m glad you did.)

Six years ago on my 20th birthday, I took my first riding lesson. This past weekend, I took Jezebelle to an A-rated Arabian Horse show, and showed in Open classes against professional horse trainers and their very accomplished (and/or very rich) clientele. We did pretty well (to put it modestly) and qualified for Arabian Sport Horse Regionals, which is held next month in Edinburgh, Indiana. (Still debating whether we’ll go or not. It’s tempting.)

On Thursday, we showed in two Sport Horse In Hand classes. The horse is judged on its confirmation, fitness, movement, and and behavior. Jezzie scored in the high 70′s, out of 100, which is a very good score.

Mare had a comfy stall in the barn at the fairgrounds. She and the chestnut mare in the next stall became quite good friends and whinnied at each other any time they left or came back to the barn, it was quite cute. I met many nice people too, and I look forward to seeing them again at our next arabian show.

Saturday morning I walked into the barn and all of the nice people were laughing at my horse. In spite of my best efforts at keeping her covered, she had rolled in poop and had brown splotches all over both sides, like a pinto. She was rewarded with a cold bath before breakfast.

I slept quite comfortably in my trailer. It was warm, off the ground, and had everything I needed.

Friday night Jezebelle and I showed in Sport Horse Under Saddle, and we won the class. Here’s a photo of our victory lap around the arena (see the blue ribbon on my boot).

Mare wears her ribbon proudly.

We did two dressage classes each day. It was my first time riding for an “S” judge (that’s the highest level of dressage judge in the US, and they are more strict than the judges at local schooling shows) and we received very good scores on our tests.

Training Test 1 – 65%
Training Test 2 – 66% and 64%
Training Test 3 – 63% (twice)
First Level Test 1 – 58% (our first time riding the test — and it was drizzling rain all day)

Each of these scores is exactly 10 points higher than the scores we received at our shows last fall. It feels very good to have improved so much, after working hard all winter long.

At this level, many (if not most) riders are showing with a trainer and a staff of grooms. All they have to do is get dressed and get on the horse, which has been bathed, groomed, tacked, and warmed up for them. On Sunday, my trainer (not pictured) and two friends from the barn (pictured) came down to Lansing to watch me ride. It was great to have them there, and a nice boost at the end of a long, tiring weekend. They even helped me pack up my stuff at the end of the show. I’m used to showing on my own, so after taking care of everything for myself and my horse all weekend (are my boots, saddle, bridle, girth, jacket, and helmet clean? what time is my test? which test am I doing? do I have it memorized? more poop to scoop! water bucket is empty again! Time to feed more hay! where are my gloves? are my scores in yet? Breathe. Eat something. Focus. Stay calm.) it felt very luxurious (and weird) to have other people helping out.

saluting the judge at the end of the test

It was a great weekend — a vacation, a challenge, a definite break from the normal.

It’s what I do lately.

This is a space unicorn I drew on the board at work.

Every month I write a blog post for the AO blog, and my most recent post was about how I went to UX Bootcamp last month with a bunch of my co-workers. Fun times. Other than that, I really can’t talk about what I do at work. Pesky NDAs and such. But it’s super exciting and rewarding.

my favorite view is the one between a horse’s ears

The other night Starr and I sauntered down to the pond at the back of our property. Look how pretty and green. That’s my dear little barn at the top of the hill.

my lovely dear white mare

Jezebelle and I will be competing in the Michigan All-Arab Show next week Thurs-Sunday. It will be the first A-rated show we have ever done, and if we place, we will be qualified for Arabian Regionals. Exciting stuff.

When the seasons are about to change, Family Farm’s stock is my very first clue. Today, I felt a little giddy when I walked in, because the first thing I saw was the racks of seeds.

I find myself at the Family Farm down in Wayland to pick up provisions for my farm every 1-3 weeks (depending on how well I planned ahead last time). It’s a fun little ritual that never fails to make me happy, even though it generally involves spending not-insignificant sums of money.

Ready to head for the checkout aisle, here’s my grocery cart loaded with what it takes to feed Brittany’s Ark for about 2 weeks. It has
150 lbs of Purina Ultium horse feed,
40 lbs of Egg Layer Crumbles,
50 lbs of Red Flannel Hi-Pro Dog chow,
40 lbs of Feline Medley cat foodies,
and 2 bags of Wayne Davis Pine Bedding (because there was room on the cart this week and I can always use more pine bedding.)

The Carhartts and flannels are still in stock, but their space is being overtaken by the patio furniture.

And the chicks will begin arriving within a week or two.

When I get home from the store, I unload everything and feed my demon-horses.

And that’s how it goes.

More often than not, this is how it starts.

Jezebelle is living at Serenity Farm right now. She is there so that we can take advantage of the nicely groomed indoor arena. Most mornings, 5:30 or 6:30 AM, we are tacked up and ready for a workout. We are the only things awake on the farm. The other 20-or-so horses are still dozing in their stalls. Good morning, world.

Next, I work.

I sketch, I wireframe, I photoshop, I write code, I talk, I laugh, I meet with clients, I interview candidates, I create prototypes, I do usability testing, I solve problems, I ship software. Every day is different. Every task is challenging and rewarding and sometimes exhausting.

After work, I often work some more.

It doesn’t really feel like work, though. They do most of the work. Week-by-week I witness, encourage, and correct as my musicians progress from scratchy Twinkle Twinkle to nuanced Vivaldi and Gershwin. I’ve been with these kids long enough now that I’ve seen them grow from little children to tall, expressive teen girls and boys. It’s beautiful and bittersweet.

Drive home. Check the chickens and feed the horses. Fall into bed. Tomorrow I get to do it all over again.

Oh hey. Sorry. It’s been awhile.

The thing about blogging is that it’s like getting in touch with an old friend. The longer you go, the harder it is, because what if they’re mad that you haven’t made the effort to get in touch sooner? Why didn’t you just pick up the pen or the laptop or the phone and say “hey” a lot sooner? Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why do we feel guiltier the longer it goes?

Here’s the bottom line:

I love my life.
I’m super busy with working-teaching-riding-reading-loving-talking-listening-being-living.
Sometimes living real life takes precedent over blogging about it.
And then I think, well why start up again?

Is it because i think people are waiting with baited breath to read what I have to say? (um, no. I do not have any such illusions.) Is it because I want to brag about how happy I am? (well, maybe.) Is it because the act of recording makes me more thoughtful about life in general and therefore, helps me experience it more fully?
oh, right. there is that.

So maybe i need to begin again. find some words. remember what happened since October 22 when I posted that perfectly banal photo of me looking kind of annoyingly cute on a fall day.

because the unexamined life is not worth living.

there now. that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Yesterday I galloped right out of the English countryside to my job as a software designer. haha.

Actually, I had a riding lesson scheduled for right after work and seeing as my schedule was going to be super tight with a late meeting, I figured wearing my breeches and boots to work would save some time later. After all, the equestrian look is in this year. The houndstooth jacket is a piece I bought in San Francisco when Marissa and I went on a shopping spree at H&M. I almost put it back right before the checkout, but Marissa gave me a sad look and so I bought it. And I’m so glad i did. It fits so well and it’s turning out to be one of my favorite pieces this season. The red fingerless gloves really complete the look. I made them myself. They live in my purse so that I can slip them on whenever my hands are chilly.

It’s not news to anybody who knows me well that red is my signature color. It has been my favorite ever since kindergarden, when the other girls teased me and said, “Red is a boy’s color, pink is for girls!” Red just makes me feel like myself. When it comes to fashion, having a go-to color makes it easy to accessorize and pull together complete outfits on the go–which is important to me, because I’m a busy lady! What’s your signature color?

This was the view from our hotel room window. Neato, huh?

Sunday morning we woke up at 5 AM local time. We bummed around in bed for awhile with our laptops, then went downstairs for breakfast, and attended our respective conference sessions.

Sunday evening, we set out for a walk to find some drinks and some dinner.

We took lots of photos of each other.

Apparently we wound up in the financial district. We happened across an H&M, and as it was closed, so decided we’d go back Monday night.

During our walk we found a cheesy 1940′s themed bar called the Starlight Lounge and had cocktails, and then we found a sushi place and had the best sushi of our lives.

The next morning we woke up again at 5 AM. I was starving. Marissa had the brilliant idea that we should walk down to the Starbucks we had discovered during our walk the previous evening, and have some pre-breakfast. So we sat on the street, sipped our lattes, and people-watched. It was a lovely way to begin our Monday.

See how adorably tired I look?

The view from our table.

We liked this building. We decided Carl should buy it and make it into the AO SF Branch office.

Then we walked back and learned more stuff at the conference.

After the conference, we went on our shopping spree at H&M. We both bought all kinds of cute clothes. As it turns out, our shopping styles are very compatible. Then we went to The Rickhouse, which was the most amazing bar I’ve ever been to. The walls on the inside were covered in rough hewn wood, and they had a bar at the front and a bar at the back and they made the most amazing cocktails I’ll ever have. Singer Emily Anne Reed (who was apparently on American Idol last season) was performing that night and she was an absolute delight to listen to, with an old-fashioned voice that really matched the atmosphere of the place. I hope she comes out with a record soon now that she’s not under contract to Idol anymore.

Marissa is a cocktail nerd and spent most of the trip educating me about the finer points of mixology. She had some sort of something in a gimlet glass and I had something called a Kentucky Buck which was a heavenly concoction of strawberry-infused bourbon, lemonade, and a few other ingredients.

After the bar, we had a late dinner. Guess what we had? Yup. more sushi.

The next night was our last night in town, and we were determined to catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate.

And there it was.

here’s some boats.

The evening light was just gorgeous.

And this is what it looks like to leave San Francisco.

Marissa and I had a great time together, but by Wednesday our brains were tired and we were more than happy to get back on the plane and head for home. Now it’s time to share what we learned with the rest of the team at AO and put it into practice as we strive to create usable, valuable software for our customers!

Last Saturday, my co-worker Marissa and I flew to San Francisco to attend a Usability Week Conference put on by the Neilsen-Norman Group. I’m thankful to have an employer who sponsors such endeavors! Marissa attended a 3-day seminar on usability testing, and I attended a 3-day seminar on designing complex applications. Both seminars were super interesting and it was great to travel with a friend and be able to discuss what we learned. We were in class every day from 9-5, but we also managed to do some sightseeing in the evenings.

Because I love airports, flying on airplanes, and looking out the window, this post has a bunch of airplane pictures, as well as pictures from our first day in San Fran.

We flew on Frontier Airlines. I love Frontier and their animal planes.

Taking off is my favorite. I love that feeling.

Seeing Grand Rapids from the sky was pretty cool.

Then we flew over the lake.

These circular fields are so super great. There were clusters of them all over the place as we flew west. They look like abstract modern art to me.

It was my first time flying west, so I had never seen terrain like this before.

Or like this.

Then we touched down in the Denver airport.

More animal planes in the Denver airport.

Frontier gives you warm cookies on the plane. Seriously–animal planes and warm cookies. I am never going to fly with another domestic airline.

Mountains. I had never seen mountains before. It was breathtaking.

So different from what I’m used to!

This is what it looks like to fly in to San Francisco.

You feel like you’re going to land on the water, and then all of a sudden, there’s the runway. Whew!

It was 2pm when we landed in San Francisco. The time change was fun and confusing. It was my first experience with jet lag. We were so tired–but we had an entire afternoon to go sightseeing! So after we checked in to the Mark Hopkins Intercontinental, we started walking in the general direction of Fisherman’s Wharf.

Our walk took us right through Chinatown. It was very interesting. We passed several Chinese groceries with fresh vegetables — peppers, bok choi, eggplant, all kinds of things — for super cheap. Later on in the week we also discovered something else that’s cheaper in California: sushi. The sushi was so good. We had it two nights in a row. It’s a good thing I love Michigan so much, because otherwise I might seriously want to move to California for its vegetables and its sushi.

By total serendipity, we happened upon the Rogue Ales. “I think this is like a famous beer place or something,” Marissa said. By this point we had walked a mile and a half and flown seven hours, so we were crabby and thirsty. So we each got a flight of beer and some spinach dip. It was super delicious.

This is a really dorky picture of me and my beer.

After the beer, we kept walking.

And we finally got to Fisherman’s Wharf.

This is what happens when I have beer on an empty stomach after flying for 7 hours.

There was seafood at Fisherman’s Wharf.

Then we saw Alcatraz.

Isn’t Marissa pretty?

The Wharf.

We had delicious seafood for dinner, then got a cab back to the hotel and hit the sack. It was 8pm local time / 11pm “our time”, and we had to be ready to learn the next morning!

More to come, next post.

Jezebelle and I have continued to compete in dressage shows this summer, although we haven’t gotten many photos. These are from our show last Saturday, courtesy of JennMarie Art and Photography.

Learning dressage has definitely been a fun, rewarding change of pace for us this year. The sport of dressage is all about increasing harmony between the horse and the rider, so that the horse is in tune with even the slightest touch of the leg or change in the rider’s posture, and so that the rider is balanced and effective, not in any way burdening or hindering the horse. Dressage training is good for every horse because it builds muscle and teaches the horse to carry himself and the rider more effectively.

Progress is measured by performing tests at shows, which are much like the compulsory routine in figure skating. Every rider in a division rides the same test; the judge scores each movement in the test from 1-10. Scores in the 60-65% range mean you are progressing and performing well for a level; scoring 65-70% is a very good day; scores above 70% mean it’s time compete at the next level. Our average this year was 60.12% — very respectable for our first year out with room for improvement next year. We did qualify for the championships which will be held next week Saturday at Thomet Stables.

Now that the season is winding down I’m looking forward to some leisurely fall color trail riding!